by James Frey to rework a passage as a group. As a reminder, we started with this:Sarah arrived at school eager for the afternoon's Halloween party. As she sat down at her desk, she looked inside her bag for her costume. Most of her robot costume was there, but she couldn't find the helmet. She looked around but couldn't see it anywhere. She asked her teacher whether she had seen it, but the teacher said no.
By recess time, Sarah was very worried indeed. What would she do? She couldn't possibly be a robot without a helmet. Finally, she had an idea. She found the school janitor and asked him to open the supply closet. In the supply closet, she found an old bucket that fit perfectly on her head. Her costume was saved.
And last week’s tip was to be specific. I encourage you to check out the revisions in the comments of last week’s entry. There’s some good ones there, including one memorable one by Eric, who rewrote the passage as a science fiction piece.
Nate had a nice entry, which I've copied below. It's pretty amazing how much of a difference a few more details can make.
Sarah arrived at school eager for the afternoon's Halloween party. As she sat down at her desk, she looked inside her backpack for her costume. She found the box, plastic piping, and gloves, all spray-painted a metallic silver, but couldn't find the robot's helmet. She searched through both closets and in every cabinet at the back of the classroom, but didn't see it anywhere. Mrs. Brannigan hadn't noticed it, either.
By noon, when the rest of her class headed out to recess, Sarah was very worried indeed. What would she do? She couldn't possibly be Bender without his head. Finally, she had an idea. She found Mr. Hossburn, the school janitor, and begged him to unlock the supply closet. Beneath a stack of paper plates and a folded plastic tablecloth, she found what she was looking for: an old gray bucket that fit perfectly on her head. Her costume was saved!
So onto this week’s revision tip: appeal to all the senses. That one’s pretty self explanatory. So starting with Nate’s passage, can we rework it now to appeal to more senses?
I want to know what the inside of that bucket smells like!
ReplyDeleteThe senses is one thing I have to work on when it comes to my writing. I can do one or two, maybe three without having to think too hard about it, but to get them all in takes focus for me.
ReplyDeleteSarah arrived at school eager for the afternoon's Halloween party. As she sat down at her desk with a thump, she dug inside her backpack for her costume. She found the box, plastic piping, and oven gloves, all spray-painted a metallic silver, but she couldn't find the robot's helmet. She searched at full pelt, through both closets, and in every cabinet at the back of the classroom, but she didn't see it anywhere. The teacher, Mrs. Brannigan hadn't noticed it, either.
ReplyDeleteBy noon, when the rest of her class headed out to recess at full volume, Sarah was very worried indeed and stayed behind in the quiet. What would she do? She couldn't possibly be Bender without his head. Finally, she had an idea. She jumped up and found Mr. Hossburn, the school janitor, and begged him to unlock the supply closet. It was dark, musty and smelt of disinfectant inside but beneath a stack of paper plates and a folded plastic tablecloth, she found what she was looking for: an old gray bucket that fit perfectly on her head. Mr. Hossburn's voice was echo-ey but she could hear him say 'A Robot!'. Sarah jumped for joy. She was going to be Bender! Now how was she to see? She had an idea..
Sarah arrived at school eager for the afternoon's Halloween party. As she sat down at her desk, she looked inside her backpack for her costume, the smell of paint sharp in her nose. Glittering at her from the darkness of her backpack, Sarah found the box, plastic piping, and gloves, all spray-painted a metallic silver, but couldn't find the robot's helmet. She even closed her eyes and felt throughout her backpack, just in case. She searched through both closets and in every cabinet at the back of the classroom, but didn't see it anywhere. Sarah asked her teacher, Mrs. Brannigan, in a plaintive voice, “Have you seen my silver helmet?”, but Mrs. Brannigan hadn't noticed it, either.
ReplyDeleteBy noon, when the rest of her class headed out to recess, Sarah was very worried indeed. What would she do? She couldn't possibly be Bender without his head. Finally, she had an idea. She found Mr. Hossburn, the school janitor, and begged him to unlock the supply closet. As it creaked open, she saw a stack of paper plates and a folded plastic tablecloth, but beneath those, she found what she was looking for: an old gray bucket.
Sarah wondered if it would work. She put it on her head. The first problem she noticed was that it stank of old disinfectant. The second problem was the she could barely see out of some rust spots on the side of the bucket. The third problem was that the bottom felt gritty and uncomfortable to the top of her head. A few flakes fell on her lips. They tasted awful.
Sarah rinsed the bucket out a few times and sniffed inside. It smelled good and she could see that the grit was gone. Two problems were solved. Next, Mr. Hossburn got out a hammer. A few hammer blows to the rusty spots echoed down the halls, but also knocked the holes bigger and allowed Sarah to see out easily. That fixed the second problem. Then Mr. Hossburn put one foot into the bucket and pulled up on the sides. That made the bottom of the bucket round to fit Sarah's head. Sarah was excited. It looked like a good helmet now.
Mr. Hossburn gave Sarah a clean rag to put on the top of her head. He told her that the bucket would not feel too hard. Finally, Sarah placed the new helmet on her head. Her costume was saved!
Sarah arrived at school eager for the afternoon's Halloween party. Long, thin streamers ringed the room, bright orange and spooky black. As she sat down at her desk, the thick scent of cotton candy tickled her nose. Digging around in her backpack for her costume, Sarah’s fingers brushed against the box and stinky plastic piping. When she touched the gloves, she pulled a face--the silver metallic paint had dried easily enough on the box and piping, but her gloves were still tacky, like frosting that hadn’t set properly.
ReplyDeleteWiping her hands on her jeans, Sarah tried not to worry. Had she let the best part--the most important part!--of her costume at home? Tugging at her bottom lip, she searched both closets, made the class hamsters squee as she looked under their cage, and even poked her head under all the kids‘ desks. When she asked her teacher, a sweet old lady who loved sunflower hats and had pieces of liquorice stuck in her teeth, Mrs. Brannigan could only shake her head, and offer a condoling twizzler.
Come recess, Sarah was frantic. She had to have a head! Bender had a head, the Tin Man had a head...the Tin Man! Pounding down the hall, Sarah found Mr. Hossburn, the school janitor, and begged him to unlock the supply closet. There, hiding beneath an old checked plastic tablecloth (still spotted with grease and Coke) and a stack of paper plates, she found it: a slightly rusted, slightly damp-smelling grey bucket that fit perfectly on her head. Her costume was saved!
The straps on Sarah's backpack dug into her shoulders. By the time she arrived at school, still was more eager to get rid of her costume's weight than she was for the afternoon's Halloween party. As she settled the pack on her desk, heat pumped into her neck and shoulders. She massaged one side of her neck and unzipped the backpack with her free hand.
ReplyDeleteVampires and werewolves darted up and down the narrow aisles. They jostled Sarah and knocked her desk askew, so she gave up on her aching muscles to hold her pack steady. She wouldn't have enough space to sort out her costume here, but she could at least check it out in all its silver-glinted glory. The box, plastic piping, and gloves all gleamed under fluorescent lights. She'd spent a woozy afternoon spray-painting it all before Dad forced her to open the garage door and turn on the fan. Now, there wasn't any smell or tackiness left to it.
Nor, she noticed, was there any helmet. All of the sound in the room faded with the headrush of panic. Bender's head was the masterpiece. She couldn't be Bender without the head.
She breathed in and out, counting to ten each way like Mom taught her Yoga clients. She reached into the backpack and counted off items. Box, piping for arms and legs, gloves and boots. Nope, no head.
It was okay, because now her hands weren't sweating and she could hear the din in the room. Mrs. Brannigan raised her voice to quiet the classroom, but none of the kids listened. They laughed at a boy in green tights. They giggled and crowed about rustling fairy wings and witches' hats.
Sarah tapped at Mrs. Brannigan's arm and shouted that she'd lost her head. The teacher smiled and called down to her, "Everybody has!"
Then the school bell rang, and that brought the noise down. Sarah tried again with Mrs. Brannigan, who said to her, "I'm sure it'll turn up," then shouted, "Everybody in your seats, and Kyle stop casting spells!"
Sarah sat without her costume on until noon, surrounded at all sides by kids dressed up as fantasy creatures. She stuck out without her costume on, but that was okay by her. She would stick out even more when she dressed up as a sci-fi robot and took the top prize! Assuming that Bender's head turned up like Mrs. Brannigan said it would, that was. The worry sat in her stomach like a wad of bad candy.
When the rest of her class headed outside for recess, Sarah sat with the remains of her lunch and fretted. Bender's head wasn't anywhere. What would she do? She'd lose, that was what. She couldn't dress up as a robot with a human head. Halloween was ruined, all because she'd overheard the adults talking about great costume ideas. No witch's rags for her! No princess gown! No, she had to have a robot costume, complete with helmet, like Mr. Hossburn said.
ReplyDeleteThen she got an idea. She left her ham and cheese sandwich behind, took the Granny Smith apple and bbq chips with her, and went hunting for the janitor, Mr. Hossburn.
He was in the lunchroom, just after the teachers were done. He had the same old, smelly liverwurst and onions that he always ate. His bushy eyebrows went way high when she held out the green apple and potato chips, and he said, "Eh? What?"
"I need a robot head, and it's all your fault, but I forgive you," she said, and felt her face flush as she got it all wrong. She stamped her foot and tried again. "I'll give you these if you help me. I need a robot head."
The bent old man leaned forward until all she could see was eyebrows and nose hair, and her entire world filled with onion stink. His crackling voice was all the hunger in the world when he moaned, "But I haven't got a robot head."
Sarah shrank from him. No head, no hope. She slumped, and she set the apple and the chips on the table. "You can have them anyway," she said. "I guess there's always next Halloween."
Mr. Hossburn's laugh was a thing of pure joy, and it did make her feel a little better about everything. Then a heavy, jangling bundle of keys smacked the tiles at her feet. A wet crunch of teeth on apple skin followed.
"Supply closet," he said around a mouthful of sour apple. "Under the paper plates and tablecloth. It's a bucket."
Sarah picked up the keys. "A bucket?"
"Bring it here. We put some holes in it, clean it up inside, it's a good ol' head." He grinned at her, took another bite of fruit, and winked a bushy eyebrow. "Best kind of robot there is, with a bucket head. You'll see."
He turned out to be mostly right: it fit perfectly on her head, and it saved her costume -- but no amount of cleaning got rid of the stink inside. She was woozy all over again when she won first place!
- emc
Her costume was saved!
ReplyDeleteExcept...the bucket smelled like her dad's running shoes after he'd gone jogging through the cow pasture behind their house, in the rain. When she upended it on her head, a trickle of dirty water ran down the back of her neck to seep into her collar. Shuddering at the sudden chill, Sarah yanked the bucket off her head and stared in shock at the dirty brown stain in the bottom of it. She ran her fingertips through the wet spot on her hair. It felt slimy.
I have to say that I like the way everyone else hit on the bucket. For as important a dramatic element as it is to the story's ending, I seriously neglected it.
ReplyDeleteI've grown somewhat better at including multisensory details along the way, but I think I still fail to organize poignant details where they matter most.
- emc
So, I leave for my honeymoon and a bunch of people chip in to improve the passage I wrote last week? Wow, I should leave my unfinished novel out and head to Europe for three months.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great exercise, Lidia! I like the variety of sensory elements everyone has added so far... though I think I'll stay well clear of Simon's bucket.
Looking forward to part III.
Sarah arrived at the old white-washed schoolhouse eager for the afternoon's halloween party. Her sneakers squeaked as she crossed the worn wooden floor to sit at her desk. Sarah then looked in her bag for her robot costume. Most of it was there - the bucket and spring-like metal arms - but she couldn't find the helmet. Thinking it had simply fallen out of her bag, she looked all around the old classroom from one paint-peeled wall to another but didn't see it anywhere. She asked her teacher whether she had seen it, but the teacher replied with a huff that meant no.
ReplyDeleteBy recess, Sarah's body was tense from all the worrying. What would she do? She couldn't possibly be a robot without a helmet. First prize was one of mrs. Feeney's blue-ribbon strawberry pies! The crust was homemade shortbread filled with alternating layers of sliced strawberries and cream cheese. It was topped with grated white chocolate. The memory of the last time she'd had a piece made her mouth water now.
Finally, she had an idea. She found the school janitor and asked him to open the supply closet. The closet smelled of cleaning chemicals and old gym socks that the janitor confiscated for rags. Against the back wall was a broken-down bookshelf that looked like it would fall apart if Sarah looked at it sternly. There, on the bottom shelf under a pile of yellowing newspapers, she found a dusty old bucket that fit perfectly on her head. Her costume was saved though she'd be needing a bath before bed.