The First Page Blogfest comes at a good time. Last week, my first page was workshopped on agent Mary Kole's website. I had been feeling like my first page was all right (it did make it through writer idol), but that it didn't really sparkle or stand out in a crowd. Mary had a sharp eye and quickly put her finger on an aspect of writing that I don't pay enough attention to: the words and the sentences.
Wait, what? Um, aren't you a writer? Well, yeah, but left to my own devices, I'm more likely to focus on the content than the delivery. It's not a coincidence that all my blog articles under the "Voice" label feature advice from other people, while the "Plot" and "Characterization" labels have articles with my own observations.
Anyways, Mary gave some helpful tips on weighing each word and sentence. You should check out her critique, as well as her other workshops from that week. I've been playing with revisions, and here's the latest version. Let me know what you think. What do you like? Dislike? Is there anything in the original version that you miss?
Note: This excerpt is now fairly out of date as well. I'll keep it posted here for historical purposes, but the final version is now different. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maybe this James fellow wanted her dead. Kyra considered the idea as she peered off the ledge, squinting at the cobblestone four stories below. A false step in the darkness could certainly kill her, and even if she survived the fall, palace guards would finish her off. But she had known the job was dangerous when she took it. At this point, she just needed to keep moving.
The jump ahead looked to be about two body lengths long, so Kyra backed up. Ten steps, then she drew a breath and sprinted forward. She pushed off just before the drop, clearing a gap of three strides before softening her body for the landing. There was a slap of leather on stone as she hit the next ledge. The impact sent a wave of vibrations through the balls of her feet, and Kyra touched a hand to the wall for balance.
Too hard, and too loud.
Silently cursing her clumsiness, she scanned the grounds, looking for anyone who might have heard her. Shadows teased at the corners of her vision, but experience told her it was a trick of the torches below. Since she couldn't trust her eyes, she listened. Other than the wind that gently buffeted her ears, the night was silent. Kyra relaxed. Tucking away a stray brown hair, she set off, dashing deeper into the compound.
It had been two days since a man had come to the Drunken Dog, introducing himself as James and asking for Kyra by name. He had an unusual offer: he would pay her to steal a ruby from the Palace compound. But there were other nobles in the city with jewels. Why go to such trouble for something easily found elsewhere? The question had worried Kyra, but the pay was generous, and the challenge intriguing.
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Thanks for reading, folks. And remember to check out the other entries!
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